


Thin Walls

by ConceptaDecency



Series: Post-Canon Cardassia Sitcom [3]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Domestic Fluff, Friendship, Humor, Humour, M/M, Marriage, Post-Canon Cardassia, Post-Canon Cardassia Sitcom, Post-Coital Cuddling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-07-20 18:23:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16142906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConceptaDecency/pseuds/ConceptaDecency
Summary: Houseguests can be a mood-killer. A post-canon Cardassia sitcom minisode.





	1. Thin Walls

**Author's Note:**

> An experiment in dialogue-only. So it's short and sweet.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again, Miles talks some sense into his best friend.

“It’s a nightmare, Miles. It’s never happening again. If they ever come back to Cardassia, it won’t be until the hotels are re-opened. And the worst part is, we’ve just got married and we haven’t even had a chance to...you know.”

“What?”

“I mean, with them in the next bedroom, we can’t even...”

“Oh! Right.”

“You’re uncomfortable. Sorry. Forget I brought it up.” 

“Grand.”

“It’s just, how do you and Keiko manage when your parents or her parents are visiting?”

“What do you mean, how do we manage? We lock the door and we’re quiet, that’s how.” 

“So you...do it...when your parents are in the house?”

“Well, yeah, of course we do.”

“But it’s so awkward.” 

“You think it’s awkward when your parents are in the house, wait until you have kids.” 

“Kids...” 

“Yeah. Feck, Julian, do you mean you and Garak haven’t...had your wedding night yet?”

“Um. No. Well, Elim wanted to, but I didn’t think it was appropriate with them here.”

“Julian, you daft eejit. I never figured you for a prude. Garak’s completely right. You’ve just got to lock the door and pretend they aren’t there.”

“Oh.”

“That’s probably what they’ve been doing.”

“Miles!”

“What? Do you think they found you under a cabbage leaf?”

“No, I just...”

“Jaysus, Julian. The wedding was three weeks ago. Garak must have the patience of a saint.” 

“Well...”

“Julian, you and Garak weren’t waiting for marriage, were you?” 

“Oh, god no, of course not. That would be absurd.”

“It’s not a stupid question. I know a lot of Cardassians do.”

“Come on, Miles. _I’m_ not Cardassian.”

“Thank Christ for that, anyway. I wasn’t looking forward to explaining the birds and the bees to you.” 

“Very funny.”

“Listen, Julian. It’s night there, isn’t it?”

“Yes...”

“Where’re your parents?”

“In bed.”

“And Garak?”

“I think he’s in bed too. Reading.”

“Then what the fuck are you doing talking to me? Put the PADD down and go. Now.”

“Goodnight, Miles.”

“Goodnight, Julian.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Garak owes Miles big-time. Not sure how he'll repay that debt, but I'm sure he'll think of something!


	2. Creaky Beds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the Bashirs asleep in the next room, Julian and Garak try to keep it quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An experiment in a dialogue-only sex scene.

“Computer, lock door.”

“Hello, dear. Weren’t you able to reach the O’Briens?” 

“Mmmmm? Oh, yes. Miles says hi.”

“Thank you. You weren’t speaking to him for very long.”

“No. He told me to go to bed.”

“Oh? And why’s that?”

“Ah, well, I was complaining about my parents being here and I happened to mention that we hadn’t had sex since they’d arrived.”

“I see. I wasn’t aware that our sex life was a topic of conversation between you and Professor O’Brien.” 

“Oh, don’t give me that look, Elim. It isn’t normally, but I was feeling a little frustrated and I guess I needed to vent.” 

“Have you been feeling frustrated, Julian? I wouldn’t have...AH!”

“Shhhh!”

“Did Professor O’Brien tell you to do _that_?” 

“How about we don’t talk about Miles any more tonight?”

“I can agree to that.”

“Good. Now how does this come off?”

“The fastening is here. Allow me.” 

“And these?”

“Are you in a hurry, Julian?”

“Yes, I guess so. Do you mind?”

“No, I suppose not. There. Come here, dear.”

“Are you going to be quiet if I do _this_?”

“Ah!”

“Shhhh!” 

“I _was_ being quiet. They can’t have heard that.”

“Elim, do I have to put something in your mouth? OH!”

“Now who’s making noise?” 

“Cute.”

“Shhhh!”

“Shut up, Elim. And do that again, please.”

“Do you mean this?”

“Oohh!”

“Shhhh!”

...

“Like this?”

“Oh, YES!”

“Shhhh!”

...

“Elim, please!”

“Where?”

“What do you mean, ‘where’?”

“The bed will creak if we do it here.”

“Oh. It’ll be fine. Elim, stop teasing me.”

“If you insist, Julian.”

...

“Elim! Elim, stop.”

“Yes, my dear? Apologies, I thought you were calling my name for a different reason.” 

“It’s too loud.”

“I told you it would be.” 

“Should we move the bed away from the wall?” 

“That will stop the banging, but it won’t stop the creaking. It’s a very old bed.”

“I can put a blanket on the floor...”

“Julian, I’m afraid my knees are a bit past that kind of thing. Get up. I have a better idea.”

“What?”

“Over here. Like this, dear. Do you like that?”

“Ohhhh!”

“Shhhh!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really can't think what Garak is going to do to thank Miles for talking some sense into Julian. But maybe the best gift of all would be pretending the conversation never happened.


	3. Too Much Information

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During post-coital cuddling, Julian and Garak discover that one one culture’s SOP can be another’s TMI.

“There’s no way they didn’t hear the headboard banging against the wall.”

“Again, Julian, I do apologise, but normally when one hears one’s name from someone’s lips in the throes of passion, the implicit instruction is to continue, not to stop.” 

“No, of course, how could you have known? I could have been clearer. But you were doing that thing you do with the twist and thrust. That always makes me a bit incoherent.”

“I’m gratified I’m still able to bring you to incoherence even now that we’re an old married couple.” 

“Hmmmm. I don’t think that’ll ever be a problem, my dear tailor. At least not for a long, long time. But...didn’t you notice the noise the bed was making?”

“I did of course.”

“So...”

“Yes?”

“You didn’t think that was a problem?”

“Because of your parents? I’m sorry, dear, I can see now that it quite bothers you, but no, I didn’t. Could you kick the blanket down, Julian? My feet aren’t completely covered.”

“How’s that?”

“Better.”

“Elim, we can requisition another bed from Starfleet. Something more modern, that doesn’t squeak. It’d probably arrive before my parents leave.”

“That’s a lovely idea, but if you don’t mind, I’m rather attached to this one. I’d prefer to keep it.”

“I didn’t realise the bed had sentimental value.” 

“It has no such thing. But it is an important family artefact.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, I was conceived in this bed.”

“...you know that? Where you were conceived? How do you know?”

“How else would one know? My parents told me. Well, my mother told me.” 

“Is that...usual in Cardassian society?”

“Not really. My upbringing was a little different from most, as you’re aware.” 

“Yes.”

“Usually a boy’s _father_ tells him his place of conception, but I’m sure I don’t need to explain to you why that particular conversation never happened.” 

“They tell you when you’re _children_? How old?” 

“I was about six or seven. Julian, can you shift up a little? My arm is falling asleep with your head pressing on it like that.”

“How’s that?” 

“Perfect, my dear.” 

“So Cardassian families are quite open about sex.”

“Compared to human families? It would seem so.”

“It’s just, Cardassians aren’t open about very many things.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Julian. Just because humans will happily recount their life stories to any stranger they sit next to on a transport doesn’t mean Cardassians aren’t open.”

“I offered to switch seats with you and you declined. I can only assume that you were actually enjoying that conversation.” 

“I didn’t say I wasn’t. I was simply pointing out that the extreme forthrightness of your people makes humanity a terrible benchmark against which to measure whether a culture is open or not.”

“Hmmmm. Someone’s argumentative this evening. We can have another round if you like, Elim, but can you try to be quieter this time? Maybe we can just use our hands? Like this?”

“At my age I was…ah…hardly trying to suggest another round, Julian. No, no, there’s no need to stop. I was hoping for an early night, but I’ll indulge you if you insist.”

“Oh, you _are_ contrary tonight. Poor Elim, I’m so sorry for neglecting you. How’s this?”

“Mmmmmm!”

“Elim! Shhhh! I’m beginning to think you’re doing it on purpose.”

“Julian, that would be perverse. But I find your insistence on absolute silence baffling. Surely your parents know we have sex.”

“Elim, my _dear_ , I really didn’t want to bring it up, but how would you feel if Tain was on the other side of that wall?”

“…Julian, perhaps we could temporarily requisition a bed from Starfleet. Whenever your parents visit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was the silliest of them all, but I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> I really love your comments and suggestions!

**Author's Note:**

> Garak owes Miles big-time. Not sure how he'll repay that debt, but I'm sure he'll think of something!


End file.
